My dad and I were always super close. My mom said to me that when I was little I said to her “mom, what would I do if anything ever happened to my dear sweet daddy?” My very next breath depended on my dad being there for me when I was a little girl. He was my world. He made me laugh, took me fun places, called me his “angel,” made me feel like I was one of the most special people in this world. When I was little I taught him how to roller skate. On the Venice bike path, with all his knee pads, and elbow pads he was such a trooper letting his young daughter teach him a new sport. In my wonder woman underoos, I led the path for him down the awesome Venice bike path. It was some of the best memories I had with him. He wore his heart on his sleeve and I cannot count how many times he cried, but I loved that about him. I loved that as a man he was not afraid to show his emotions. He also taught me the true value of how important it is for girls to have a strong father figure. I am so glad my girls are close to their daddy.
Towards the end of my pregnancy with my youngest, Bella, my dad was having some weird problems that the doctor could not explain or figure out. His leg was not feeling right and his vision was off. About two months after Bella was born he got an MRI and they found a tumor in his brain stem. He was told shortly after that he had a year or less to live and had an aggressive form of brain cancer that was in the brain stem. I was sad, I was angry, I wanted to tell the doctors they had it all wrong. My dad is my hero, my everything, he is supposed to see my kids all grow up. No this is not happening. But what the doctors did not realize is that my dad was a true fighter and came from a line of fighters. By fighters, I mean people that love life and not willing to just accept that it is their time to go. He had so much still to do and to live for.
Well they had it all wrong, cause he lived another three years. Between chemo and radiation, he still fought to stay alive. He came to visit us at least twice during his sickness, to reach out to people he loved, and to do more musical CD’s. My dad never gave up during his battle and lived his life to the fullest, with his wife Catherine by his side, taking care of him. There was a time towards the end when his cancer had gotten worse and I was told by Catherine to come down soon. We spent some really precious time with him during spring break at a special medical center that was able to give him the care he needed during such an aggressive part of his cancer and after radiation treatments. I think my husband Chris and I both had a sense that this may be our last visit with him where we could talk to him. He kept asking us to play his CD. He was so proud of his music and I was proud of him too. He cuddled with my daughter Raina who he was very close to. Raina played her ukulele for him and some sang some new songs she had learned. I talked to him and told him I loved him. My husband went to pick up some food for us and while he was gone he said he lost it and started crying. He was hit by the fact that my dad was so sick, close to death and had realized how he had grown close to my father over the years. He fell apart. This visit was the last time I got to talk to my dad.
About three months later he was in intensive care and on morphine when I came down. It was one of the hardest days of my life. He was no longer talking, was sleeping and breathing hard. I rubbed his arm and told him I loved him. It was just a weird coincidence that on his last day a whole bunch of family was in town for cousin Lauren’s wedding. So a lot of family gathered at he hospital to say their goodbyes. My mom came down too. I told her “you better come. ..this may be the last time you see my dad.”
My little one Bella started getting super cranky after we had been there for about three hours, so I decided we better go. About thirty minutes after I left, my dad died. I think I was in a state of shock and denial although I knew it was coming. Over the past year and a half my healing and my sorrow of his death have been super unpredictable. I could be in line at the grocery store and something would remind me of him and tears would just start flowing. I find in my quiet moments and when I am alone, I think of him most and miss him.
My relationship with my dad has taught me the incredible value and importance of a daddy daughter relationship. I will forever encourage that beautiful relationship I see my girls have with their dads. Daddys are the best and I will always love and miss my dad.
